Bluer than Blue
by Lady Scarlet-Une
Summary: Hilde deals with pain. Some shounen ai (1x2).


Random songfic that came to mind. Hope y'all like it. ^_^

~LS-U 10/5/00

Bluer than Blue

by Lady Scarlet-Une

inspired by the song "Bluer than Blue" by Michael Johnson

*******

The cat's looking at me with those eyes again.Sighing, I reach for the box of cat food and proceed to fill the kitty bowl to the rim.I can't stand it when she does that.It's like even the kit kat's blaming me for all that's gone wrong.Damn cat. Damn marriage. Damn life.

_ _

_After you go…_

## Week One

My nail polish is immaculate.There are no dishes in the sink.The garden is weeded, the plants are watered, and I have been wearing skirts and heels at home ever since The Incident.Why should I fall apart, anyway? I was not _really_ left.As I have told everyone else, it was mutual, the sad ending to a union long dead.There was nothing left between us except the possession of unnecessary things and our cat.I watch el gato in question scarf down her food.Sadly, I'm envious.If only I could lose myself in something like that.If only I could really forget what happened and just concentrate on the rest of my life.But the garden is picture perfect, my hair is neatly coiffed, the house is clean as a whistle, and I'm still sitting here thinking about the fucking goddamn Incident.

# Life will be a breeze, you know…

The phone rings, mercifully ending my mental self-inflicted beating.Sprinting across the kitchen, I grab the phone, take a calming breath, plant a fake smile on my face, and answer the vid phone.

"Hello," I say softly, my voice sweet and low.No goddamn my-husband-left bitterness here.

"Mrs. Hilde Maxwell?" inquires a questioning face.

"Schbeiker," I reply smoothly, my smile widening just a bit."Mi_ss_ Hilde Schbeiker."

"I'm sorry for the error.At any rate, I'm calling today on behalf of Cutcol Knife Company to extend to you an exciting offer..."

I bought 2 sets.Blame it on the cat.

## Week 2

"You're looking quite lovely today, Hilde."

"Oh this old thing? I just pulled it out of my closet."

It's sad when people compliment the attire you wear to the grocery store.What's even sadder is when you actually dress up for the grocery store.Sighing, I put two cans of corn into my basket.My basket looks so empty, now that there's only one mouth to feed.As opposed to two that seemed like ten.HIS basket is probably filled with lots of food now that he has Duo living with him.Who would've thought that fifteen years of marital devotion could boil down to two lousy cans of corn? Hell, who would've thought that forever could've been destroyed by one lousy phone call? I sure didn't.Damn him.Sighing, I push the cart down the aisle and take a left at the corner.The damn cat needs more food.

# 

# I really should be glad…

While putting away the groceries, I am suddenly struck by horrible thoughts.Nobody calls anymore.The phone used to ring all the time when HE was here.Why are people not calling now?I should at least be getting condolence calls.It's not like ALL the friends we made were through his doing, damn it.I am a likeable, loveable, funny person. People like me. So why aren't they calling?!The phone rings right then.Smiling in relief, I pick it up and let out a cheery 'hello.'

"Hi, Miss Schbeiker, this is Walter from the Cutcol Knife Company.I'm calling today to extend to you a great offer…"

I hang up before he can see me cry.

# Bluer than blue…sadder than sad

_You're the only life these empty rooms have ever had… _

## Week 3

She looks so serene on television.Waving at the camera, kissing little children, petting perky dogs… I wonder if she lays awake at night obsessing over this like I do? Rehashing memories over and over again.Perversely wondering if he's happier _over there._Always wondering if the time we had together meant anything at all.Or was he just killing time till the real show started? No wonder he didn't want any children.Fucking bastard.

I take a small sip out of my drink and grimace at the flat taste.Urgh, I hate it when the ice melts.I dump my glass out and pour in a new dose of whiskey.I smile as I feel the liquor burrow a warm spot in my stomach.Nothing like liquor to make everything seem brighter.Duo used to say that all the time, in one way or another, always laughing at my disapproving expression.

Oh God. He's everywhere.How am I ever going to get through this?

I pour myself another glass.

Blinking the tears away, I look back at the television and watch Relena board a jet.She looks so…calm.Maybe I should give her a call and give her method a try.Or maybe I should just get drunk.

I take another sip.Hell, maybe I'll just do both.

# I can start my whole life over…

"I wish you hadn't called, Hilde."

"And why ever not?" I ask, my back bristling.Just who does she think she is anyway?

"Well…Duo just called."

"And?" I sound more trembly than I should.It's the liquor, that's all."He's doing well, I hope."

"I…I don't really know how to break this to you, Hilde."Relena looks pensive, not like the serene statue I had become familiar with via various forms of mass media.Oh shit.

"Well, it's not like I won't be able to handle it well, Relena."A large smile with teeth."I'm a big girl."I can take this as well as the next person, damn it.

"They're getting married."

Oh dear lord.

"And adopting a child."

The asshole.

Silence.Faintly, in the back of my mind, I can hear her concerned voice gently asking me how I feel.Her face isn't diplomatically placid like it usually is.Instead, she's genuinely frowning with worry over me, selflessly doing her good little Samaritan act once more.The bitch.

"Don't you feel betrayed, Relena?" I want to break her down and see her cry.I want to see that I'm not the only one smashing up into oblivion.I want to destroy that pretty little smile of hers and make sure she never laughs again."You spent years of your life with him.You had a child with him.You had anniversaries and birthdays and Christmases with him.Don't you just feel a little bit put out?" My voice is rising."Just a little bit pissed off to know that the one you loved to fuck is now loving to fuck someone else? From behind, no less! Doesn't that aggravate you at all?!?!"I look for any trace of grief on her face. Any twitch, any squint, any tell tale sign of anguish.I get a serene smile instead.

"Yes. But I have learned to deal with the pain."

I cut off the call right then, spurning propriety and manners.It doesn't matter.I know the truth.I saw that her damn smile didn't reach her eyes.

## Week 6

They're getting married today.I was invited to the wedding oddly enough, an invitation extended by the blushing bride himself.Or at least an invitation with the words 'Please Come' written on the back in his handwriting.Oh please.Inviting your new ex-wife to your wedding a mere six weeks after the divorce isn't exactly proper wedding etiquette.Any idiot would know that.But then again, this is Duo.

Detachedly, I watch the cat frolic in the heather through the living room window.I haven't been outside in awhile.Everything seems too…bright out there, too alive.A mockery of what my life has become.I stay inside and drink instead.Drinking alone isn't all that bad, really.Once you're wasted, nothing really matters anymore and talking to yourself isn't considered odd by the company present.Walking over to a mirror, I look at myself and fight down a cringe.Gone is the neat hair and manicured nails.Gone is the wide smile and the small hope that things would go back to being the way they used to be.Smiling humorlessly, I take a large gulp of my drink.I'm going to the wedding all right.I'm going to go see the bastard off in style.Nothing like a scene to liven a party.I whirl around and stalk down the hallway, kicking errant articles of clothing and plates out of my way.God this place is such a mess.

And when you're gone, I can run through the house screaming and no one will ever hear me…

_ _

I chickened out. Grimacing, I take a sip of my punch and tear my eyes from the scene on the dance floor.There they are, twirling in each other's arms, smiling at each other like there's no one else in the bloody damn universe around.It's almost enough to make me want to puke all over their wedding gifts.

Looking around, I take note of all the people present.Oh look. Clustered in the corner are my alleged friends who never called me after The Incident.One of them makes eye contact briefly before quickly looking away.Smiling evilly, I set down my drink and prepare to walk on over there to give them hell.This party has been a total wash so far.This little incident might just salvage the whole thing for me after all.I am thwarted, however, by the little blonde Boy Scout named Quatre.

"Hilde," he says affectionately as he gives me a warm hug.I return it stiffly, feeling slightly ill at ease at being in such close proximity to one of Duo's old war buddies.It's not that I have anything against Quatre, mind you, and it's not that I'm scared to touch him for fear of his snotty wife's wrath.It's just that every time I look into his eyes – or at any of those Gundam guys – I feel like they're silently laughing at me because they always knew what I failed to see.

"Quatre," I reply with a small smile."The years have certainly been kind to you."

"I can say the same of you, Hilde.Would you care to dance?"

"No, I don't think so, Quatre.I'm feeling rather tired."I give him a wan smile to back up my little lie and turn to go.

"Well, okay. But Hilde?" I turn back around and give him a questioning look.

"I'm sorry for never telling you."My smile freezes."You deserve better than what you've gotten and I was the first to tell Duo that."

My first gut instinct was to punch his sweet little face in for bringing that fact up HERE. It was like rubbing it in, damn it.But looking at his earnest expression, I can tell that he means well. Quatre can never mean anything but that.Sighing, I gently squeeze his shoulder and mouth some words of understanding that I don't really mean.It doesn't matter if he feels bad or not.It doesn't matter if any of them feel guilty.What matters is that it happened and that my life has irrevocably been ruined.

I say goodbye as I turn on my heel and head towards the main exit.I reach to open the door but someone gets there ahead of me and holds it open.Glancing up, I find myself looking straight at Relena.Her smile is a bit strained, but it's there nonetheless.

"After you," she says courteously.I walk through and hear her fall into step behind me.I rack my mind for something to say as we make our way towards the parking lot.I should apologize for my behavior when we last talked, but I can't bring myself to do it.Instead, I turn around and gently grab her by a shoulder.

"This party blows."Well, it wasn't the most tactful thing to say, but it was true.My frankness was rewarded with a genuine smile, albeit a teary one.

"Yeah." Her voice is trembly."It does."

## Week 10

My hand trembles slightly as I raise it to knock on the door.I want to run away and go back to the safety of my dark house, but I've come to realize that there's nothing there for me now.Truth be told, there's nothing for me anywhere unless I close all this up.And so I hold my breath, half-hoping that no one's home so that I can run off with a justifiable reprieve.Heero answers the door instead, and I offer a wan smile as I slowly let out my breath.

"Hilde. What a pleasure."He sounds anything but pleased.But then again, has he ever sounded happy?

"Hello, Heero.May I please speak to Duo?"His eyes narrow and, unsurprisingly, I see some hostility flare up in them.Nothing like facing your lover's old ex to stir the blood.

"He's not home," he replies flatly.We stare at each other silently for a few moments.

"And when will he be back?" I reply coldly.

"What does it matter?" He tries to shut the door in my face, but I stick my foot in the doorway and fight down a flinch when he tries to slam the door anyway.

"What's the matter, Heero? Scared of little ol' me?" I taunt, smiling smugly as I notice his normally implacable features tighten up in anger.

"If you think you can just waltz in and ruin everything Duo and I have made together –"

"But that would imply I've got enough clout to do so."My eyes widen as I watch his fists clench into tight angry balls.Is he actually going to hit me?

"Let her in, Heero. And stop acting like a bastard."Duo's voice cuts the tension and my shoulders slowly relax as I walk through the doorway into their impeccably neat hallway.Heero brushes past me and walks through a doorway on right, loudly slamming the door behind him.Duo, quite unfazed, gives me a big smile and waves me towards the living room at the end of the hall.The first thing I hear when I walk into the room is the soft sound of a baby gurgling happily.My guts twist as I watch Duo pick up a chubby little baby from the bassinet next to an ottoman.

"Lovely baby."

"Yes, isn't she?"

Gingerly, I lower myself onto the couch and stiffly make a place for myself amidst the baby toys and blankets.Duo flops down in the ottoman across from me, carefully cradling the baby in his arms.For a moment, I stop and pretend that this is my life, that this cozy scene is genuine and between the three of us, that an errant homosexual would-be husband isn't somewhere in the picture.

# Bluer than blue…

"So what brings you here?" Duo starts out affably.I clear my throat and try to frame the words carefully in my mind.

"What's wrong with Heero?" I mentally wince.Damn. That's not how I wanted this to start.

"Heero's insecure, that's all," Duo replies with a casual wave of his hand."He's still trying to come to terms with our new life together.Happiness isn't a well-known feeling to the guy, and he's still expecting things to fall apart at any moment."

"Yes, unexpected things can happen in any relationship," I reply neutrally."He was never happy with Relena, I take it?"I watch in shock as Duo's grin open grin turns sly.

"She made his life miserable.Oh, she didn't mistreat him or hound him all the time or anything like that.It's just…" He pauses delicately, absently patting little Duo, Jr. or whatever the hell her name was on the back. "He felt unfulfilled by their relationship.She just wasn't what he wanted and he hated her for that."

"I see."Duo's small smile of smug satisfaction makes me shiver.This wasn't the Duo I remembered.

"Which probably brings us to why you're here today, right?"I nod and stare in fascination as his features rearrange themselves into a semblance of detached concern.

"I've heard from some people that you haven't been taking our break up well, Hilde.In fact Roy – you remember him, don't you? – told me you said some rather choice words to him at my wedding."

"I didn't even talk to him that night," I protest calmly.That bastard.I should've ripped into him that night after all.Damn Quatre.

"Okay, okay, I believe you.But regardless of all that, what you need to realize, Hilde, is that I've moved on.What Heero and I have is special, as special as what you and I had but in a different way."

I'm drowning in bullshit.

"As lovely as our relationship was, it died a long time ago and there was nothing left for either of us.My leaving just put an end to that sham of a marriage."

"What do you mean died, Duo?" I reply sharply."It was perfectly fine until the day Heero Yuy called and you turned tail.Hell, if I remember correctly, you were going on the night before about how lovely and splendid our marriage was."I watch in satisfaction as his lips tighten.He wasn't going to palm this off that easily."What I need to know, Duo, is whether our fifteen year relationship meant anything to you.Was it all just one long game you played while you waited for Heero to come around?Did our life together mean anything to you at all? Because it sure meant a damn lot to me and I think I deserve more than just an abrupt goodbye and an invitation to your damn wedding."

The baby burst out crying right then, conveniently giving Duo an excuse to break off our conversation and distance himself for awhile.With a quick "I'll be back," he sprinted out of the room and left me alone in the living room of the house that he and Heero had built.I put my head in my hands and idly tried to massage a massive headache pounding at my left temple.

"He cares for you a lot, you know."I turn my head to find Heero staring at me from the doorway.

"But he doesn't love me," I finish for him.

"Never did, Hilde."

My throat tightens, but I'm not going to cry.Not in front of him, not here.

"So what was it then?"

"It was merely a need to belong.Duo's not cold hearted enough to toy with someone just to pass the time.You of all people should know that."I acknowledge his rebuke with a small nod of my head, but remain silent."Duo just wanted some normality, that's all.A life and someone he could call his own.But his desire for that couldn't outweigh his need and love of me.You were important to him, but you were always second when compared with me.But he felt guilty about it."

"And so he decided not to have children with me in order to avoid compounding his stockpile of guilt," I add wearily.I lean against the back couch cushion and stare at the ceiling blankly.Soon the squeaking of Duo's sneakers catches my attention and I listen to it slow as he gets closer and closer to the living room.I turn my head and watch him timidly make his way into the room, a pained expression on his face.

"Can I see the baby, Duo?"He blinks at me for a few seconds before making his way across the room and depositing his little girl in my arms.Her eyes are green and she waves her chubby little thumb in my face with the sort of enthusiasm that's unique to small children.Smiling softly, I gently take a hold of her small fist and marvel silently at its delicate size."She's beautiful," I comment truthfully.Looking up, I notice Duo staring at us with the oddest expression on his face.I raise an eyebrow questioningly.

"Just imaging what could've been, that's all."

I conceal my teary eyes by looking back down at the baby.The baby is lovely and everything, but I have to get out of here.I have to think and mourn and cry.I need to face the truth.

Standing up, I give the baby back and make my way towards the door.

"Hilde! What about our conversation?" I look back at him and my breath hitches.I engrain the site before me in my mind: his hair falling out of his braid, the sloppy t-shirt and baggy jeans, the surrounding mess of baby paraphernalia, and the tender, protective way he holds his daughter in his arms.

"No need anymore, Duo.I understand now," I reply softly.

"But-"

I turn away and swiftly make my exit.By the time I hit the front door, I'm running.Flinging myself into my car, I quickly back out drive way and speed off without a backward glance.There's nothing for me there now.I'm starting to wonder if there's anything for me anywhere.

# Life without you is going to be bluer than blue…

_ _

## Week 12

I close the door and smile in satisfaction as I twist the key and lock the front door with a decisive 'click.'The cat makes loud complaining noises from her carrier at my feet, and I do my best to comfort her as I carry her over to the car and place her in the backseat.Straightening up, I look back and stare one last time at the house that lately, more often than not, has seemed like a prison.The shutters are closed, the garden is choked with the weeds, and the flaming pink flamingoes Duo and I jokingly put up in the front yard are now a pale peach color.It doesn't matter anymore, though.Today marks the beginning of a new phase in my life.I have spent the two weeks since my visit to Duo sitting in my house and just thinking of everything we went through and everything Heero told me.At first, I had told myself that Heero had lied in order to hurt me and get me away from Duo as quickly as possible.Coming to terms with the fact that you will always be second place in someone's eyes is not the easiest thing to do, especially when you've loved that someone for half your life.But as tempting as blaming Heero for everything is, I know that he's telling me the truth.Heero has never needed to lie in order to get his job done; the truth has always been enough of a weapon for him.Which left me back at the fact that Duo never loved me.In one of the many messages he left on my machine these past weeks, Duo repeated over and over again that he had never meant to hurt me.The sincerity in his voice that time almost made me pick up the phone.But I stuck firm to my self-imposed seclusion.I needed to think clearly.

I have made my decision, however, and now I'm about to start carrying it out.

I get into my car and turn it on.I plan on heading towards the Sanq Kingdom and visiting Relena a bit before driving off towards parts unknown.The truth about mine and Duo's relationship has done many things for me, but it hasn't given me back the sense of belonging and peacefulness this house once instilled in me.There's nothing here for me now and I doubt there ever will be again.Yet, despite this, I haven't been able to shift the car into reverse yet.I'm still idling in the driveway and thinking of old memories.God, I miss him.

The cat suddenly yelps loudly, breaking whatever held me in thrall.Frowning playfully, I poke her carrier and give her a mean look before shifting the car into reverse and backing out of the driveway.I drive away without a backwards glance.Somewhere out there I'll find myself again and a place to belong.Somewhere out there I'll heal and learn how to live again.

And maybe I'll bring Relena along for the ride.I'm not the only one who needs some closure.

Smiling, I turn the radio on and look for appropriate traveling music.Stumbling onto an oldies station, I smile as the mean guitar riffs of ZZ Top fill my little car.I sing along for a bit off key."She's got legs. She knows how to use them. She never begs…"

Maybe I can pull this off after all.

## Sometime Later

The grocery store is crowded and I'm valiantly shoving my way through a mob of blue-haired ladies when someone knocks into me from behind.I stumble but someone grasps my elbow and steadies me as I straighten up.Turning around, I find myself staring into the greenest eyes I've ever seen.

"I'm sorry for bumping into you."

I smile at the tall man before me.Dressed in tweeds and topped off with a pair of gold rim glasses, he looks like everybody's idea of a nerdy college professor.He's drop dead gorgeous, though.

"No problem," I reply.Shifting my grocery bags around, I free a hand and extend it.

"My name's Grant Garrison," he offers shyly as he gently takes my hand.He's staring adoringly into my face.My smile widens as I squeeze his hand firmly in mine.

"My name's Hilde Schbeiker.It's a pleasure to meet you."


End file.
